New Month

After a month of feeling uncomfortable and out of my element, I'm beginning to settle into a new month and new rotation. The Labor and Delivery floor is much more my style compared to the ER. I don't find myself staring at the minute hand on the clock waiting for the precious moment I can go home. Although it can still be painful to lift my head off the pillow in the morning, once I'm talking to patients and taking care of babies the dread drifts away, and I'm reminded why I like my job so much. Surely there will be times in the next days and weeks that I'll go back to struggling with feelings of inadequacy, but there will also be times of great satisfaction.

I've already had two circumcisions and delivered a baby. It was my first delivery with the Family Medicine department, and all eyes were on me. You see, there are a hand full of upper level residents and staff that need to "participate" in deliveries this month to achieve a certain number in order to be certified in the residency, for the hospital, or for some other requirement. This meant that they all wanted to come watch so it would count towards their certification. The delivery was mine to do, but their feet just had to be in the room. Part of me wished they needed to be a little more hands on just so that I could see how they do things here. You see, I learned my techniques from the Ob doctors out in Scottsbluff, so I had no idea what the styles or expectations were of those people in the room - the people who would be evaluating and critiquing me, the people I want to impress. Not to mention, that it has been over 8 months since I've been anywhere near a delivery room. As the time came, 5 pairs of eyes, (not counting the patient's, her husband's, or the nurse's) bore heat into the back of my head which was already damp with sweat from the bright overhead lights and hair cover. Thankfully, I went into the zone and the background just became the background. Later, throughout the day, 5 different people critiqued me from their prospective. It's good to have feedback, but let's just say I was ready to go home by the end of the day.