A Mess

Yesterday evening was a combination of exhaustion, sleep deprivation, missing my son, missing my husband, and empathy for one of my favorite patients all rolled into one very emotional few minutes. I ended up as a sobbing mess sitting in the rocking chair with a sleeping Owen in my lap as I tried to read overly scientific articles about rare, terrible diseases that this little precious patient could have.

Thankfully, after a few hours of rock solid heavy sleep, I was back under control. However, we still don't know what is wrong with this patient, and we're almost down to grabbing at straws to come up with something. Anything. We've consulted a specialist for just about every one of the little organs in his body, and we keep coming up empty handed. At least that's what the specialists keep saying. The nephrologists say it's not a kidney problem. The hematologists say it's not a blood problem. The oncologists say it's not a cancer problem. The pulmonologists say it's not a lung problem.

It is getting more difficult to go into their room every day and say that we're back at square one. Again. Pretty soon, saying, "At least we know it's not ___, and that's a good thing," won't cut it. What's worse is that the little puffy, tear-filled eyes that peak over the crib every morning remind me of Owen. My heart breaks for them every time, and yet they have been taking it as well and as appropriately as anyone could expect - concerned, worried, terrified, and collected. Hopefully, this nightmare they are living will reach a conclusion sooner rather than later. Then, and until then, we will pray.

I should probably be sleeping right now, and trust me, these eyelids don't have much strength left in them. Too much longer, and I'll end up in the mess I found myself in last night. Hopefully, tonight's sleep will be extra refreshing. Not only because I need to catch up, but also because my turn to be on call is rolling around again tomorrow. If it is anything like Saturday, when I honestly think I only peed twice in my 30-hour shift, my eyes, and every other part of me, might not be able to take much more. Goodnight!