Eval

Every 6 months our residency program director (in my case, Dr. O'Dell) meets with each resident individually for an "evaluation." Usually, it's not something we residents look forward to. You spend 15 uncomfortable minutes in an office crowded with stacks of paper and books with the one person who essentially controls your life sitting across from you trying to make small talk about the weather and family before he cuts to the chase to tell you what has gone well and what you need work on in the future. It can go well, and obviously, it can go not so well. The topic of conversation can focus on your abilities or disappointments. Thankfully, my evaluations have been more on the positive end of the spectrum, but I never feel safe when evaluation day is near.

My most recent evaluation was this week. Anticipation was especially high this time around because I heard through the grape vine that a fellow resident endured a verbal lashing for a lower than expected score on his boards. Although my scores this time around were much improved from Step 1, I didn't ace it by any means, and I didn't know how high was good enough. I also started this 6 month period with maternity leave. Not only was I short one month of staff evaluations boasting my "good communication" and "hard worker" skills, I also didn't have a great first month back to work. Starting in February with a very busy inpatient service was rough. It was even tougher because it was also the first month for our supervisor, our staff was unpredictable - for lack of a better word, and I was trying to pump inconspicuously. This was the first month that I literally went into the bathroom and cried out of exhaustion, and it also was the first, and only, time I've been taken into a supply closet to be yelled at because I didn't know how many times my patient had pooped. (Thankfully, that didn't make it onto the notes for my 6-month evaluation.) What a month!

Needless to say, as I waited outside of Dr. O'Dell's office this week, I had no idea what to expect. I was planning for the worst and hoping for the best. He welcomed me into his office with a smile as always, and I sat down trying to hide my nerves. Relief rushed over me when his tone was pleasant and there wasn't a a trace of that inevitable "but..." lingering in the comments. He simply mentioned my scores and rotation evaluations as if he was just completing the formality of the meeting. Then, painlessly, it was over.

One comment he made did stand out. And, if I can read between the lines, I think it shows where my advantage over my peers lies - a reason that he might overlook a few points on my board scores or a just-average evaluation from a staff member. He said, "During the last year, you have not only become a Sub-I but also a mother." Honestly, it means a lot to have a director that recognizes that my life is not just my work. I hope, and think, that it is genuine.

Regardless of how positive the meeting went, I'm glad that it is over, and I will likely still need to swallow my nerves 6 months from now when I have to go through it all again.